When Relationships Drain You: Red Flags, Grace, and Boundaries
- Cindy
- Aug 11, 2025
- 3 min read
It has been my experience and observation that we all have relationships and people in our lives that cause us to pause and wonder: how much energy should we put toward the relationship? We may feel like we’re often the only ones reaching out to schedule plans, check in on others, and—yes—follow through and keep those plans, rather than flaking out at the last minute.
This brings me to the topic of accepting bread crumbs, chasing after people to be in relationship with us, and the importance of working on our own self-esteem, self-respect, and decision-making when it comes to not accepting unacceptable behavior. We often hear the saying, “If they wanted to, they would,” and in my opinion, this is very true. Words are great, but what we see in others’ actions is really where it’s at.
A note of caution: we do need to give others the benefit of the doubt and offer grace. Sometimes life simply happens, and others may not be able to physically, emotionally, or mentally be there for us. The red flags, however, lie in patterns of the same behaviors. When you’re the one doing all the work in a relationship and you feel depleted by others’ lack of effort, it’s time to take notice.
I’ve found it’s in my best interest to choose people who choose me back. No relationship is always perfectly balanced—sometimes our best is only 30 percent, and the other person may have more energy and give 70 percent. The whole concept of everything being 50/50 is a fallacy that causes more pain than it’s worth, again, in my opinion.
Here are a few red flag patterns I look for in relationships to help me discern whether I’ll stay in relationship with someone—or love them from afar:
Repeatedly saying we should get together, plan a playdate, lunch, or activity, and then something always comes up and it never happens. Again, this is about repeated patterns, not one-offs.
People who only call when they “need something,” and then disappear until the next time they “need something.” These are individuals who choose me for what they can get, not for who I am.
People who show up when I need support, but spend the entire conversation talking about their own problems, completely disregarding the timing and space for my needs.
Those who don’t hold our conversations close and gossip to others about personal things I’ve shared.
Many of these patterns revolve around what’s convenient for them and require only the slightest, most minimal effort—more about easing their own guilt than genuinely experiencing connection or enjoying time together.
All of this to say: people who display these behaviors are human. They may have reasons why they’re not capable of being in a solid relationship with you—or they may simply not be compatible. So here’s a note of encouragement: cautiously spend time with people who show these patterns, and instead focus your energy on those who choose you back, display healthy and reliable patterns, and respect your time and energy.
There’s nothing wrong with distancing yourself from people who don’t honor you as a person, as long as your heart isn’t in a place of resentment or revenge. Instead, let it be a place of acceptance—acknowledging that they are who they are, praying for them, and moving on. Spend your time with those who love you, bring you joy, and walk with you through both good and hard times. And most importantly, strive to be that kind of person yourself.
Here’s another tip: make a list of the behaviors you’d like others to show toward you. Then review that list and ask yourself—are you giving those same things back to others? If not, you’ve got some work to do too.
If you liked this article and would like to subscribe to my blog, you can do so below. Also, if you need support or encouragement to work through a tough relational issue, feel free to schedule a free session with me. We can talk through your situation and see if coaching with me might be a helpful solution.
Grace to you,
Cindy
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