The Long Walk of Marriage: Growing, Changing, and Choosing Each Other
- Cindy
- 9 minutes ago
- 3 min read
One of the things I’m most passionate about in this stage of life is having conversations with young women—and men—about marriage. The secular world sets our young people up from the beginning with fairytales and rom‑coms featuring the dependent, helpless princess who needs her knight in shining armor to be full, whole, and happy. Without him, she is incomplete or somehow less than.
(And here is where we insert the important difference between healthy dependence and co‑dependence.)
No judgment here. When I said my vows, I too had no real idea what a wholesome, healthy relationship was supposed to look like. My only frame of reference was what I learned in childhood. Rather than dwelling on the past, though, I want to share how I’ve changed—and how my marriage has changed—as a result of a LOT of effort, willingness, honesty, and trusting in God’s plan.
It wasn’t that I wasn’t trying hard before; it was how I was going about it and the expectations I carried that became the huge hurdle to overcome.
So here are a few little tips—just for today—that come to mind about marriage:
🌿 Be willing to do what is in the best interest of the other person and the relationship as a whole.
This will require sacrifices at times, and some of them may feel incredibly hard.
🌿 Try to see things from your spouse’s perspective.
Have an open mind. Have the hard conversations. Do not sweep problem areas under the rug. If you don’t know how to have hard conversations, make every effort to learn—on your own, with a trusted couple, your pastor, a friend, a support group, a therapist, or a life coach. There are so many resources available, and I cannot stress this point enough.
🌿 Do not look at your spouse as someone put on earth to make you happy.
That is an unrealistic and unhealthy expectation. A spouse is meant to support, grow with, and encourage you—as you do the same for them. But your happiness is ultimately your responsibility. Lean on something greater than your spouse to learn how to be joyful, grateful, and grounded. A relationship with God is of utmost importance.
🌿 Grow together.
Support and encourage one another’s hopes, dreams, and desires. Don’t stand in the way out of a desperate need for things to remain the same or to maintain the illusion of control. That may work temporarily, but good outcomes rarely come from that kind of behavior.
🌿 Lighten up and have fun together.
Laugh. Be silly. Not everything needs to be so serious. Some of our best moments involve me laughing so hard in public that I feel like I might pee my pants over something funny we both thought of or said.
🌿 Have your own hobbies, interests, and friendships — and also nurture the ones you share.
A healthy marriage includes space for each person to grow individually. Spend time with your own friends, pursue your own interests, and cultivate the things that make you you. But also be intentional about nurturing the mutual interests you share as a couple. That balance—individual life and shared life—is part of what keeps a marriage vibrant, connected, and resilient.
🌿 It’s okay to take your shoes off and settle in for the long walk ahead.
When the shoes get uncomfortable, be willing to learn, grow, and change until you’re right‑sized as a couple again. You won’t always be walking at the same pace, in the same space, or even in the same place—and that’s normal. What matters is the willingness to adjust, reconnect, and keep choosing one another along the way.
🌿 Remember: the wedding is only the beginning.
Marriage is a long life of unknowns, and being best friends is a win‑win. I’d even venture to say: make sure you’re best friends before you enter marriage. If you’re not, the road may be rockier—not impossible, but harder. And life is hard enough as it is.
If you found benefit in this article, I’d encourage you to share it with someone else who may need these words. With nearly 34 years of marriage behind me, I believe that qualifies me to pass along a few lessons learned. No matter how long you have been married, it is never too late, if you are both willing, to learn a new way to live.
With grace,
Cindy